I have been really tired lately
And by lately,
I mean the last year
I have always been able
to rise to the occasion
I have been able to rally
no matter what.
I could will myself
to do most anything.
But this year
I just couldn't.
And it completely freaked me out
I was burnt out
It has been humbling
I can see how much of my identity
how much my sense of self
is wrapped up
in what I am able to do
in how I am able to contribute
in how useful I am
So when I couldn't
stop hitting snooze
when I noticed in conversations
I had stopped listening minutes ago
and when I found myself reading
but not comprehending
I first did what I know to do
I pushed harder
I got more disciplined
or at least I tried to
But there was no gas left in the tank
I just couldn’t will myself
to be how I used to be.
The spark I have always had
that had set my life on fire
in the best and worst ways
and I have been worried
that I lost what made me
A few days ago
I woke up inspired
This is the closest I have felt
And it felt like the deepest breath
I am not gone
So I want to share with you some of what I did
to get me back
in hopes it helps you
if you are teetering around burnout
and feeling wiped out too
I slept, sleep is my number one priority
I am a messy messy not so stable human without it.
I walked, every day, I walked, no matter how slow
I moved my body, every day.
I stopped living in response to everyone else's needs
It used to be that if I got an email from somebody
I felt bad if I didn't answer it within a few hours
I was literally consumed by all the people
I felt responsible to
and their every request was running me.
I wrote every day
I journaled till my hands hurt
When upset or ecstatic or in pain
I dug in, before talking to anyone.
I wrote, I wrote so much
I cleaned up my diet
and stopped being ashamed
that I really feel best when eating a specific way
that I know works for me.
I unfollowed everyone on social media
that didn't feel like a value add
If they were not inspiring, informative, thought provoking,
or someone I cared about
I made a list of everything
that was causing me anxiety
I prioritized friendships that are a value match
I stopped engaging with people/"friends"
who only reached out to me to ask for something
This one was hard
I felt guilty at first
I do love helping
I do get energy from it
but I was leaking too much
I was extending too much
and got clear it was completely unsustainable
and I was feeling hurt and unseen regularly
I shook things up
I intentionally said yes to things
that I knew would challenge me
and have me so outside my comfort zone.
I would have no chance of feeling the apathy
that was slowly creeping over me
So these are just a few of the things I did
to help turn the lights back on.
I am grateful,
deeply deeply grateful.
I hope you pay attention to the warning signs for you
I hope you learn to listen before it is too late
The body, the mind, the heart, the spirit
have an amazing capacity to heal
and come back stronger
if we are willing to listen
truly listen to the spoken and unspoken
to take pause
and take action
There a way you need
to take better care
Keeping it real...some thing that I have been trying to do lately is that. Trying to find a way to still be myself when nothing is about me anymore. Struggles are so great for everyone and I am sure you have a long list as well. Not everyone is going to have the same challenges in life and sometimes the things that bother us the most are things that do not show up in our photo's. Invisible to others but they continue to eat at our souls until we have resolved them. So this is me , on a day that was nice. It is easy to post a photo after we have done our hair and picked out the perfect clothes, but on this day I did none of the above. I don't live near the ocean. I live on a small street in a small town in Missouri. In a small house. So my outlook is starting to change. Keeping it real. Wearing my sweatpants when I want. Brushing my hair less, maybe even cleaning less. Keeping it all together on the inside is much easier for me when I am not trying to keep it all together on the outside. I love gardening and am going to make this the best season ever, all while making a mess, lol. I read once, that one of your goals should be that when you have people over to your house, they should leave feeling better about themselves, not feeling better about you. And that totally meant why do I spend 4 hours cleaning when I know someone is coming by for 5 minutes? I must be crazy. So here I go, off to work and all the while ...keeping it so real people will be wondering all day what the heck is wrong with me :) and if your feeling the same way.... take the challenge and start just being you :)