This will be my last blog for a few days, and I wanted to make it worthwhile, to myself and whoever out there that has ever visited my page for some reason or another.
About a year ago or so, someone very kind, walked by my desk at work and left a movie for me on my desk. I had never heard of it, and I watched it many times that night. This movie was so sad and motivational to me at the same time that it changed the way I thought about a lot of things. I wanted to try harder, and at the same time I wanted to give up because I know that even though the movie ended well, that not all of the luck in the world can bring that type of ending to most peoples lives.
I watched it again tonight, I rented it. I felt like it was something I needed to do, it was my last chance at feeling like if I watched it, and I had missed something before, that I could get it right. I have never really been good at getting it right.
For the past 3 years, I have hurt inside a lot. I have missed pieces of my old life so much. I gave it a lot up to care for my family and I am tired. I put most of my energy into just going to work everyday. Trying to make some sort of plan to just be ok again. I wanted to find love. I wanted to be great. I wanted to be happy.
I spent a lot of nights awake with worry, and have been really worn down from the stress. I kept trying to find a dream, something that would be big enough to have a real home, and enough to care for the people that I love. I tried to find my Pursuit of Happyness. I wanted it so badly that I wanted to try to do whatever I could to show that I was good enough for something.
I wanted to get a break from the stress of what I do daily to make it to the next level. I lived my own life the way that I thought I should, thinking that I would be in line for something wonderful, something great. The disappointment does not go away. After waiting for so long, you realize that the only people that can really help to make that happen are the ones that never really give a second thought to what it would be like for someone that never gets that type of luck. They can change someones entire life, and even if you try and try, until that one person that can make it happen notices you or picks you to live the dream, it does not happen.
I see others, they wear themselves down trying so hard. And then I see some, that never really do anything to get where they are going. They really are just in the right place and the right favor of who can make it all happen for them. It is not always in your hands. You can only get so far, and then you reach the point where you just cannot do it anymore. You just cannot go another day trying to get where you are going.
I think everyone at some point or time, deserves that type of Happyness. I wish for everyone that I have ever known and for every stranger, to get that big day, where everything just seems to finally fall in place. Where you are just content, and loved. Happy and fed. Warm and smiling.
I wish it was all just as simple as that. Unfortunately by the time that happens our time runs out and the dreams have to be put to rest. They were just a dream. You can believe in your own dreams in such a big way, but if you are never able to convince someone else to take a chance on you, the dream really can not happen.
I do really like this movie though. I am watching it again before the rental is up. I hope that you watch it also if you are looking for hope. I hope all of your dreams come true.
Keeping it real...some thing that I have been trying to do lately is that. Trying to find a way to still be myself when nothing is about me anymore. Struggles are so great for everyone and I am sure you have a long list as well. Not everyone is going to have the same challenges in life and sometimes the things that bother us the most are things that do not show up in our photo's. Invisible to others but they continue to eat at our souls until we have resolved them. So this is me , on a day that was nice. It is easy to post a photo after we have done our hair and picked out the perfect clothes, but on this day I did none of the above. I don't live near the ocean. I live on a small street in a small town in Missouri. In a small house. So my outlook is starting to change. Keeping it real. Wearing my sweatpants when I want. Brushing my hair less, maybe even cleaning less. Keeping it all together on the inside is much easier for me when I am not trying to keep it all together on the outside. I love gardening and am going to make this the best season ever, all while making a mess, lol. I read once, that one of your goals should be that when you have people over to your house, they should leave feeling better about themselves, not feeling better about you. And that totally meant why do I spend 4 hours cleaning when I know someone is coming by for 5 minutes? I must be crazy. So here I go, off to work and all the while ...keeping it so real people will be wondering all day what the heck is wrong with me :) and if your feeling the same way.... take the challenge and start just being you :)